If you want to stay with these two people, then some understanding there is perhaps needed in those moments. Dedeker:We don't have like just do this. If this is something that you have struggled with, this is something that comes up a ton in the Patreon group.

Sometimes you love them, sometimes they're your least favorite person in the world but if you are polyamorous, you need to at least learn to live with metamours. Webwhen metamours don't get alongwhen metamours don't get alongwhen metamours don't get along If they want to talk to me directly they can." Jase:Yes, I knew she was like Mario Kart. Our theme song is. That was arguably the best feeling venting, was just having someone who has no stake, that I can literally- comparatively play the poor baby game that they talked about the ethical slut. Between these two extremes is a middle ground; metamours may not be best friends and may not hang out with one another, but they may be friends on social media and reach out to one another occasionally. Or the mending of it may look like them deciding, we can't have any connection with each other. If you are currently in a polyamorous relationship, or are thinking of entering into a polyamorous relationship, it is likely that you will have one or more metamours at some point. Multiamory was created by Jase Lindgren, Emily Matlack, and Dedeker Winston. Yes, exactly. We've talked about this in the past in terms of like the different ways that people argue or the different ways that people debate or make decisions together.

Dedeker:Yes. Jase:I feel like with this one I found for myself personally that I've definitely had a lot more peace in my life, the more I've been able to accept that other people can be better than me at things and just let them have that. Is it about thoughts I have about my partner?" get along phrase. I feel like none of these are like, "Okay, you answer this question and that means your dislike is automatically absolved or resolved or whatever. That's an interesting one, for sure, and I would still say your partner is allowed to make their own decisions and they're allowed to choose what mountain to die on if they want to be with this person or not, to use my mother's phrase. I think that's something actually we're going to get into more later is this idea of projecting your own thoughts or feelings on to this person. - having your partners get along. Jase:Another thing I want to point out about this too is, I think the way we've been talking about it so far is under the assumption that you and your metamour have already had some communication with each other, but sometimes there hasn't really been that yet. We love to hear from our listeners and we read every message. You can maybe ask them to go grab coffee with you, to go for a walk, to even have a Skype call, especially if they're in a different part of the country from you. I think that's definitely worth pointing out, but just I think maybe keeping the focus more on like, "I need you to at least get enough of a grip to be able to maintain our relationship." Don't try to gossip about them back to the rest of your community or people who might be on your side about this particular thing, because that's just going to breed intolerance and unkindness towards one another. Dedeker:Yes, definitely. It is okay to give yourself some gentleness and some love and some compassion, because I think that it is important that you're able to take ownership of the things that you may have done that maybe contributed to this scenario, because sometimes there is. I feel like none of these are like, "Okay, you answer this question and that means your dislike is automatically absolved or resolved or whatever. Whereas for someone else who's much more accommodating or was raised in a culture- a family culture where you don't do that, you don't like strongly advocate for your needs to them. The first of those questions will be, do I not like this person because I feel like they're smarter, they're funnier, they're prettier, they're sexier or they're somehow better than me.

The first way is through Patreon and we've talked about that a little bit on this show already because our $5 and up Patreons get the wonderful opportunity of becoming a part of our Patreon only Facebook group, which is an amazing community of, I think most recently we got to 666 members, which, oh man. Dedeker:It's just a lot more of obfuscating the scenario and creating more diversions away from there being direct communication between the two of you.

It is okay to have boundaries like that because again, it puts you in a really crappy scenario of wanting to be supportive, but at the same time you probably don't want to back up your partner unlike, "Yeah, he totally is a snot weasel," or whatever insult they've just leveled as-- I didn't want to be too profane, give me a break.

It's really easy for it to be a self-perpetuating cycle, it's really easy. Maybe in those instances, like go out with this person to coffee or something and try to get to know them and try to see like, "Hey, do I agree with that or can I build a separate idea of who I think this person is? WebThe most common definition of kitchen table polyamory (KTP) is a polyamorous setup where everyone in a polycule is on friendly enough terms that they can share a meal or have a cup of coffee at the kitchen table. That it's okay to take time away for yourself to recalibrate and connect to what it is you actually want. There may be times when you dont get along with someone and have the flexibility to choose not to spend time with them. I've definitely found and I've even done this in the past with my partners themselves, like you're dating someone and they're into something, you're good at something.

That's such a stereotype that if that is your experience, you're like, "Well, that's normal. Emily:Get Dedeker Winston to write it and you'll be good to go. And the other is to separate them and go through a careful, slow introduction or re-introduction process. It's very easy for it to be just dismissed. Jase:There's a lot of good stuff there.

We want to hear from you what has happened in these scenarios? I think because we come preloaded with a lot of those notions, and seeing that played out over and over again, like in our movies and TV shows and stuff like that, that that's why it can be so easy for like if someone dislikes me or if I dislike them that it goes down the slippery slope of like, all the bad stuff, the competition and this extreme negativity. Do I assume that all people are manipulative and therefore, I'm going to read that into everything my metamours do? Just be the bigger person here and try to be understanding of the situation and think about it, think about why this is happening and maybe hopefully, what can be done to remedy the situation, so all right. Even if you don't trust them to make good decisions, you still have to trust them to make the decisions anyway. rieber hall ucla floor plan; when metamours don't get along. Or I've got to try to be better at that and compete in every arena, essentially".

They may be okay with sticking in this place of resentment and anger, or it may just be that case for a while, for a number of years even.

That's interesting to think about that too of like, or does this person remind me of some aspect of myself that I don't like. Come back to that when you need to have just like my partner decisions with what they do with other people are not about me. Emily:The second one is going to be, if you can, try to talk to your metamour about this, about this issue that might be happening if you know what the issue is, even if you don't. The reason why that helps is that it helps us show up higher in search results. Jase:On this episode of the Multiamory podcast, we're talking about what to do about metamour problems. Why are you in these relationships in the first place? Both good and bad thing about communities like that is, gossip travels pretty fast often and gossip in its nature sometimes it's accurate, sometimes it's not. Jase:They're not being respectful to them and to you in the way that they're communicating their feelings, but you can say, again, the boundary is, "I'm not going to be part of this conversation." fetch rewards interview process; david hutchinson obituary I just want to express my dissenting opinion about this one. The best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is on this episode's discussion thread on our private Facebook or discourse forums. It is possible for change to occur but it may take time and that's something to be aware of as well, it may be challenging in those moments. Emily:Totally. You're still connected to them. Emily:I agree with you Dedeker but still is a good opportunity in which to potentially check yourself and say, "Hey, okay. We just all get along. And instead, Jase:Also if you want to spread the word and allow more people to hear this stuff and get this information, one of the best ways you can do that besides actually just sharing it with people and reposting it places, is to take a couple minutes and write us a review on iTunes or on Stitcher. jennifer hageney accident; joshua elliott halifax ma obituary; abbey gift shop and visitors center I've got to get along. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, Dedeker Winston and me Emily Matlack.

Dedeker:Well, I'm working in optioning it to the Hallmark Channel now. It's getting late. ", Emily:I'm never going to be as good at languages as the two of you are but that's okay. I've definitely found that if you're really struggling with the dislike or if you're really struggling with some of these questions, you really can't quite place your finger on exactly what it is. There's definitely a big backlog of advice out there for handling that thing because it's not always like a smooth transition. Now, we've definitely seen a lot of these scenarios where it's like, maybe your metamour is straight-up being hostile toward you or saying hurtful things to you or it's just really not a pleasant interaction or a harmful interaction, if anything. I hope you found this helpful that you can go back through and look at these things and see which ones might I be able to do a better job of, or what things could I stop doing that I'm doing or start doing that I'm not but then keep in mind at the end of the day, that you can't control other people, that you can't just magically change the way other people think. In addition to helping us continue to create new content and new projects, you also get extra rewards and exclusive content and discussions. It all feels great. There are things you can speak up, you can express concern for their safety without judgment, doesn't have to be a judgment of them staying in the relationship or being with this person, but it is okay to speak up and express that you are concerned about them and about what's going on in the relationship. The first is to consider rehoming one or more of the cats so each can have the space and attention they need. What have I heard or what have I gotten is that fueling my dislike of this person? I can change my plans easily. This can be really tricky but basically, the idea is to just purely state what you observed rather than it being, "Hey, you're ignoring me on social media," or, "Hey, you were really rude to me at that party," or whatever. That you might be like, "Okay, I've heard this from a reliable source, this is not a good person, therefore, I'm justified in disliking them." Thanks again for that because you can go actually to their website and check out, I believe it is the article, "Help, I don't like this metamour to my partner dates". Dedeker:As of this moment that we're recording, we're on the cusp. Maybe they were feeling angry about this thing," and you're like, "Why would they be angry about that thing?"

This is a subject that comes up a lot. Definitely. The next one here is to not be the go-between, don't try to fix things for them. It is okay to enforce clear boundaries around the fact that you won't listen to that particular type of talk or that you will speak up and be like, "Hey, actually I don't think that you should be telling me this or saying this to me or I'm not going to continue this conversation if it's going to be just insulting this particular person.".

I sent them an email because I was already having to figure out like, "Okay, I got to change the address on the subscription, but they already sent one out. There's no scenario where that's a better outcome for you, so just don't. We've touched upon the subject definitely many, many times over the course of many episodes. That's life". She loved it. If you want some of that for yourself, again, go to tryquip.com/multiamory. I don't mean that to be anything against you. I'm not trying to control you or manipulate the situation but just in case you want to be able to talk to me about anything." I also like signed up for a subscription. Emily:We want to thank you all for going on this journey with us today and talking about all of these ways in which metamours may or may not like you, or you may be stuck in the middle of all of that.

WebI learned the hard way that if my metamours don't get along that is a massive signal to change things so they are no longer metamours. If they're unique and they're also not. Really be mindful of that. A lot of it's going to be similar just the opposite side of things we've already covered, but things to keep in mind for yourself as well as some things you can do. Then that can engender the sense of like, "If I do feel insecure, I can't be open about that, or I can't acknowledge that because it's that's newbie stuff. Things like that. I get to be excited about the fact that he does these things and that he works on these big movies and I don't have to put in the hours involved in working on these movies or whatever it is. Hopefully, you and I can coordinate. Really be mindful of that. Then you've come to the right place. That's life". I'm going to take care of my side of the streets. Just started from that place, I was like, "No, that's totally fine." Again, asking is okay but pushing someone into something, as in pushing your partner into like, "You've got to leave this person," or, "You need to get help," or, "You need to call this person." Dedeker:Or your partner coming to you and being like, "Well, they told me that this happened at this party and that then like you said, this thing and so that's why I think that they're upset with you or they don't like you". Keeping your problems with your twin a secret will not help. Was that something that I observed that I have a personal experience with this person like witnessing them or directly experiencing them treating me or someone that I know badly? Metamour. I really appreciate that that person did that thing or that my partner did that with my other partner. It makes us more likely to be featured in the noteworthy section in Apple Podcasts.

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That's not just like, don't be the go-between in terms of relaying messages, which we've already said is not good, don't try to translate for each other or figure each of them out for them.

However, I do think there can be some value to expressing to your partners, "Hey, you talking badly about this person, you hating this person, you throwing a fit every time I hang out with this person, those things hurt me. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life. Leave us a voicemail at 678 M-U-L-T-I 05 or you can leave us a voice message on Facebook. I think it is important, even though you may be like, "Hey, this ended really badly last time, I don't know if you should do this again." Be so mindful. Sometimes it's like, "Oh, maybe I lied to this person," or, "I really didn't respect this person's feelings and then that just added fuel to the fire, essentially, of what's going on between my two partners.". You don't like dealing with metamours who don't like you, and how to talk to your partners when you're the one stuck in the middle between some metamours who don't get along. They're so focused on how much they don't like this other person or how much they think this other person is the cause of these problems, that they don't realize how much they're hurting you in the process of disliking that person. Others might Jase:As we move forward with this, again, in this situation where you dislike your metamour or you have some problem with them, that with all of these questions, it's important to look at yourself and ask that question like, "Is my discomfort coming from me? We hear those stories and I think sometimes can feel very guilty or feel very bad if that's not the experience we're having.

Oh gosh. That this is, if you love this person and want to be with this person, part of what comes with that is trusting them to make their own decisions and having their own life. Our episodes are edited by Mauricio del Venera. It can be easy, I know I've experienced falling into this like, "Well, what's wrong with me that this person dislikes me so much?" If you are having an issue with a metamour. She is 100% off limits until she has other housing arrangements. Jase:Number four on our list for this one is to kill them with kindness, is to be apologetic when necessary and be understanding when necessary.

Well, hopefully by the time this comes out we'll be comfortably past that number. I feel like there's levels to this. Also along with that, Eve Rickert talked about how you should not be blaming, shaming or pressuring each of your partners to figure this thing out just for your sake. In polyamorous relationships, a facet to this is the relationships you have with your metamours. Simply put, a metamour is your partners other partner. For example, my girlfriends husband is my metamour. Lots of factors affect how you relate to your metamours. It partially depends on the configuration of your relationships.

This is definitely one to take with a grain of salt I think on the positive side, if you're active in a community of people who are poly friendly or polyamorous or whatever, they can definitely act as a dating pool.