There is a strong chance shes having a mid life crisis. Everything is better with him! I know this sub is sometimes easy with pulling the trigger but this is ridiculous. It's entirely understandable to want to end something like that right off the bat, as it's feels like a dissolution to love. Don't stay with people that don't actually value you. Ask yourself this. Lawyer up and leave. I also put a small umbrella just in case it rains. Reverse the sexes and watch nothing but sympathy pour in. That's a nice blast from the past. Saying its true but you werent supposed to hear it is dumb. So the fact that she was upset about him immediately saying he wanted a divorce means that she actually doesnt feel that way? Thats the real relationship. I don't want to be in any relationship where I was the consolation price. If your spouse was talking about you to their mentor, doctor, counselor, therapist, or clergy, you might need to pump those brakes. This scenario has been posted a lot, mostly with people that are still dating, engaged or recently married. The habits of honesty, acceptance and forgiveness where possible are learned, not innate. I suggest you allow yourself to feel your feelings, because they must hurt, but they are valid. There lies the problem. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Hey Im curious - how have you extrapolated that all he cares about is feeling like hes above her? This doesn't mean a long conversation isn't needed though. After youve calmed down a bit then make your final decision but sometimes when girls talk its just talk, and they say a lot of things that are just to get a rise out of the other person for attention. Dont be naive, the wifes friend most certainly has repeated this to SOMEONE, or will at some point. Yea this is really not a good place for relationship advice. People lose their child, their spouse, get divorced, and go through all this terrible stuff only to emerge on the other side and keep going. I totally understand you feeling hurt, but she cant help her emotions. The rest of us understood what you meant. Everyone still responding to this dumb post as if OP hasn't had their account suspended. After all, if the topic of why you split came up you can swear it was her fault, and that if only she had not expressed longing for a past relationship the two of you would still be in wedded bliss.

If she was unhappy she could have said she wanted to go to couples counseling before all of this. But you would be shocked at how many situations people feel will never ever get better that do. Sounds more like you wanted an excuse to get out. First of all, it's very understandable to feel upset at what you heard. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. But redditors like black and white situations. I do however very strongly recommend OP has a longer conversation and finds out the details before making any final decisions here. Or are you just jelly, and want to keep trying with her? There is more there and I think OP is just using it as a way out. Is Tom really just Tom to OPs wife or has Tom become a stand-in for 20 years worth of frustration from having kids and being with a partner you love but may not be perfect and growing responsibilities and lost freedom and youth and a side of yourself that was never sustainable but always enjoyable?

He stated he wanted to separate for a while now. There are a few small problems, but you let them go because why rock the boat when you don't have to? They tend to keep it short and simple and only when its important. For real though, being together for 20 years and not talking it over is a mistake. There's not much else going on at all, she wants Tom and not her husband, she wants excitement and doesn't find it in her husband, she wouldn't be with her husband if Tom was serious with her Those things pretty much invalidate anything else that is said. It sucks but some things you just cant take back. I wish you peace OP. What she is romancing about is the idea of Tom, not who Tom really is. It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. Once the heartbreak and anger settles, if I were in your situation I'd tell my wife that even though I was her second choice that she settled for, that she was always my dream come true and my everything. She pines for younger days without kids where theres a new relationship spark. But after 20 years when both kids have moved on? I've been married for 16 years and my husband is MY PERSON, my best friend, the dude that I look forward to sharing every damn day and can't wait to see or talk to him to tell him how my day was or listen to his. Theres literally no other way to take that. This comment by his wife is enough for anyone with fucking self respect to leave. I married a woman whos faithful, jolly and very loyal to me. Why are people trying to downplay OP's wife's shitiness in this scenario?

And the other child is 19. This subreddit really loves this bullshit, jUSt ComMUNicatE. It implies you werent who they truly wanted, youre not really making them happy, and youre always being compared against someone else.

I think counselling should have been a first move, not divorce. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments.

Maybe it was just chemistry or he was just charming, idk. It's not a punishment for the way she feels because she can't help that but I couldn't keep it going knowing we don't feel the same way about each other. An isolated incident could be cheating or murder, I don't think that's a good enough reason our argument to stick around. You know you truly want out because of a multitude of other reasons and this is just the last straw, in which case explain that to anyone and everyone and make your exit. I was at the bus stop when an old couple sat beside me. A midlife crisis sounds entirely plausible. And she is EXTREMELY unlikely to be giving any honest answers past this point because she is in full damage and gaslight mode. Most relationships end before death ends them, but every relationship teaches you how to do better, if you care to learn. I just know I want out but her and our entire family has taken her side calling me a fool and idiot. Good luck man and I would suggest a deep discussion with your wife about how you both feel about each other. If she saw Tom now, older, probably balding and fat with grey in his hair, I doubt she would feel the same. Everyone is trying as hard as they can to mitigate it for her, hell she could come here for her weak lies about why she said it. Had gone through as bad or worse.

Without even really discussing what you heard? Based on their ages, they got married relatively young and then immediately after children. It never gets easier when the topic is upsetting. If this guy didn't even want to commit to her, he can't have been that interested in her. However, if everybody got divorced anytime a spouse said something mean, nobody would stay married for more than a few months. Couples therapy isn't just to convince you to stay in a relationship or try to make it work. Most of the advice here is fucking insane. get outa here with that toxic shit. i mean if you are unhappy and want to be free, get out of there. Set yourself free, nobody else will do it for you. Why can't you both be brutally honest with each other without getting a divorce? Incredible. And for the record I'm the farthest thing from bored with my marriage. Make the conversation personal. One single statement shouldn't end something that worked for 20 years. Her and her family moved to a new country because my uncle got a job there. This sounds like old people shit they tell themselves to soothe themselves. That is reality, not a lie. Once the shock wears off, family and friends who are mad right now will come around, so keep those bridges afloat. Day. perfect victim blaming mentality.

I hope you are able to at least sit down with her and have that talk. Thank you! There are a lot of thin skinned people commenting here saying they'd go straight for divorce without even thinking twice. I recommend couples counseling. Talk is therapy that helps you work through your emotions and decide what to do next. Its certainly better than being in a situation that makes you unhappy. I think Ill likely stop commenting on posts altogether. >She broke down in hysterics saying it wasn't what it looked like. But I bet she actually loves her husband, she just sounds like she needs counseling. Because they are. You know how they say your soulmate and the person you marry may not be the same person? What was said was a pretty big infraction but people say things because they are pissy or upset or having a bad day (or month) all the time. Maybe OP needs to remind her of that. And indeed many people use this to expose their real faces. Just considering the other side. I think Tom represents a time in her life she longs for. My fear comes from exactly these reasons, who knows what kind of fulfilling years he now missed out on because someone was lazy? So instead of fighting those thoughts that would end your 20 year marriage, you surrender. I think OP has long had the feeling hes not good enough and this just cemented it. That's not just a thought that crossed their mind, she openly admitted she even thought about the dude every day on top of it. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. Dont do anything youll regret. I deserve better than her. How is everyone just projecting and imputing all of these feelings to OP? Us never say a word scenario has been posted a lot, mostly with people that do n't think 's! Know you are unhappy and want to keep trying with her and that. Might be too late go to a therapist so that you can end things now without feeling sort... Well that it 's been said what to do better, if you 're able at! 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The question is now that it's been said what to do with it? I was at the bus stop when an old couple sat beside me. Completely and wholeheartedly. I would be utterly devastated in OPs place. Maybe you both will be better off apart, the grass is always greener on the other side and I think that applies to both people here.

Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff. I know you are hurting right now, but if you're able to get passed it, I think counseling would be needed. Just because you spent 20 years being married to someone who settled for you doesn't mean you have to put up with that shit. It would kill the trust, the intimacy, the connection, the sex. You dont flip flop like that over one sentence in a conversation. If you know, you know but give yourself a chance at the easy way out, sometimes it's the best way too. And we all have parts of our "real" face, "real" body, "real" identity, we wont show to anyone, not even our parents, spouses, children. One of my biggest fears is ending up with someone just "settling" for me because I don't believe in that. Good luck OP. That is a pretty big assumption to make that he is using this as an excuse to bail and he is bored. Put yourself in his though how would you feel if someone you believed is your soulmate feels like you never really lived up to her expectations and she still thinks about her ex for 20 years. It's to help you work through your situation together in a moderated space.

No conversation, no therapy, no nothing, because when someone says they love you it means they have to feel like that one hundred percent of the time forever and ever. I'd never look at her the same again ever. I married a woman whos faithful, jolly and very loyal to me.

You aren't leaving her because of this one comment you overheard. I dont know. This isn't some heat of the moment thing she blurted out and regretted. Everyone admires her for her beauty, personality and resilience. Ive even wondered to myself sometimes if this is all that there is and if should I have waited until I found someone who excited me in addition to all that my husband makes me feel. If I found out my marriage was fabricated on a lie, if the reasons I decided to marry my husband in the first place were a lie, I'd have to leave. Then one day something happens and you snap and it looks like you're blowing things out of proportion over something that looks small and everyone else wonders what's wrong with you that you'd react in such a way, but it's not really just that one thing. It feels like you have been waiting for years for her to make the slightest mistake to take the way out. WebWhat is the best random conversation you overheard? Challenge yourself to entertain her but be honest with yourself.

Fantasizing is something most people do from time to time. For those who dont know, redpill or incels or MGTOW are literally OBSESSED with the concept of women trying hard to fuck and get the badboy alpha chad to commit. Don't throw away your marriage. It takes practice. Something isnt right here Its always some long term relationship where a wife or gf of 5+ years is on the phone talking apparently LOUDLY about how she settled for the safe option after being rejected by her bad boy ex, friend with benefits, whatever. Turns out Im not the best sex my wife has ever had. It entails forgetting about reality, basically, and only remembering the good stuff. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. This. 20 years. Honestly, at 45 I think he'll be much happier as a single guy. Like this isn't just some heated words said during an argument.

The fact that this crap gets upvoted all the time is a shame. "I cannot see anyone staying settled for 20 years". So OP's wife obviously has this narrative for whatever reason, but that does not mean their entire life is based on a lie.

He should still talk with his wife to hear what she has to say in my opinion. Im going to assume that you have always suspected this or something similar. I am very sorry for you. She probably doesnt miss Tom, she just misses how she used to be, misses excitement. :grin2:

It might be best for you to leave dont give yourself any more heartache than you already have from overhearing her conversation. Let's face it, a lot of us settle to some degree. Even THEN, some of us never say a word. But it puts a bad taste in my mouth that it feels like he never thought of couples counseling or divorce until this came up. The "advice" in this subreddit is so one sided it's ridiculous. Those words were deeper than their face value meaning. As someone else said, it's very easy for ppl to say "divorce" when it's not their lives. I feel like OP might have jumped the gun too soon and maybe should have heard her out. First, reminiscing about 20 years ago is a crime by no means. I would divorce her. Saying she wishes the last 20 years didn't happen is awful. You were never tempted? Oh youre just too sensitive. Obviously if you are just done and not willing to do it that's your decision, but you might find it helpful and it could help you both find closure. There are so many opportunities for happiness out there, dont allow yourself to be stuck in a marriage based on lies. But you absolutely shouldn't take what your wife said as an indication that you've been tricked or brainwashed for 20 years. Happens all the time. He wasnt happy the past few years with sex and suddenly his wife goes through possibly a midlife crisis and he is so quick to judge. Give her a chance to explain herself. Please understand this is my opinion, I know neither you or her. Being settled for and lied to about it for 20 years is the sort of boundary violation that- in probably most people's minds- deserves breaking the relationship. At least talk to her there may be an underlying issue she's too scared to address.
I wish I'd had the wisdom and awareness this man does to just move on. yeah or she's having a tough time with life in general, worried she's middle-aged, her prime is past her etc. He lied about his intentions, he never let me into his life even though I let him into mine, and even though he turned me on, he never really left me satisfied because he was a selfish lover, and probably was just a selfish person in general. Anyone that got dumped by someone at that time in their life, someone they really liked, likely has the same feelings as the OPs wife.

Thats the mistake I made. Or a future that probably would not turn out the way you think it would. Isolated? Ive said stuff that would be hurtful, but I came out stronger at the other end. Isn't everyone happier when that happens?". And you didnt bring up being willing to talk about it with her or trying marriage counseling. Shes only reminiscing she just didnt have the perfect words to express. Wishing you all the happiness that a new road can bring! Women always want what they cant have later in life but the truth is she didnt see this other guy as husband material. I'm not minimizing the hurt he's feeling, it was a terrible thing to say and overhear. I cant deny, I hate it when my wife is busy tending to other people. Theres so much context missing from this post its impossible to give any advice other than I find the second more damning, if just because it's so more personal. And I would definitely think the same if the genders were reversed.

Its probably a matter of perspective. Will he feel comfortable and secure with her? Thats the mistake I made. I don't think you are being entirely honest with us and yourself. Either Im having some de ja vu, this really has happened multiple times to different people, or OP made this up. My sister and I are in our thirties and it definitely had a big impact on us. I think you were already done with the relationship, and hearing her finally put into words a feeling she had been living with for years was the moment of clarity you needed. I was watching Couples Court recently and came across one of the best pieces of advice I had ever heard in my life.

I'm not here to tell you whether to divorce or not. To me, that seems unrealistic. But if theyve already checked out it might be too late. I read what you heard, but what I hear when I read that is, "I feel like my marriage has gotten boring, and I don't think I can talk to my husband about it, because I feel like he won't hear me. Its possible your wife was just feeling nostalgic for those old feelings, more so than she was for him, but just isnt self aware enough to understand that. Possibly, it's Brad or Ken)? Wasn't expected a Johnathan Richman lyric here on reddit. If that were me I would have said the same thing as OP did. You dont excite her which seemed to be more what she was venting about. Everyone admires her for her beauty, personality and resilience. Let her lie more?? And she gets all the blame! If they wanted to work on improving things it would take a lot of hard work to undo the unhappiness. This situation is definitely severe, it puts a strain on the marriage hard. Better go talk with each other about this and go to a therapist so that you can make things exciting again together. Settled is an obviously hurtful word, and I dont blame the op for being angry, but the sentiment is something that anybody whose feelings were not returned at that age feels for an old flame. I heard their conversation.

Lyrics are lyrics, not life, but it asks a good question. Things would be different if your kids were young and you wanted to divorce. They were together for 3 years. Perhaps if you explained it to your family this way they would be more understanding. Though I do recommend exploring and self evaluating so you dont take any baggage to your next relationship and can have a happier one. With righteous indignation, you can end things now without feeling any sort of guilt. I'm sorry you believe this. Where do you take your security from? I suspect what you are trying to do now is hurt her as shes hurt you. I do all the shopping and food prep because I know it's a chore that he hates and I want to take that responsibility off him. He is justified in doing whatever he wishes with zero judgment. OP keeps talking about "wanting to be free again". So the wife has pretty much spent most of her adult life with OP and as a mother. Good luck to you, I'm sure you'll sit down with her at some point if you haven't already, but doubt she'll give you any sort of honesty at this point bc she's in full damage control. She faked it so well that it completely blind sided me.